Day 316...who sez you can't go home again?

This past weekend, I headed to my home away from home...a/k/a Kinston, NC. It's a little town, fairly unremarkable, really, in the eastern part of the state, about halfway between Raleigh and the coast. Unremarkable, that is, unless you've ever lived there.
I have.
This place gets under your skin like no place I've ever been, much less lived. And that, my friends, is saying a lot. It's coastal flat land, mostly sandy farmland, which spawn rich crops of corn and soybeans, and tobacco. Always tobacco. It IS North Carolina, after all. Home of the Tarheels, from whence came the name.
Aside from the beauty of the place, the climate is warm and mild, with crystal blue skies and balmy breezes that drift in from the ocean to warm your heart. Sometimes, you can even see a seagull or two floating on the currents, or plucking seeds from someone's field, or even snatching a quick drink from the birdbath in your back yard. Yes...it's that close to the ocean.
But by and large, the best part of the town is the people who call it home. If you know one person in this town, you know everyone. Believe me, I know. Either they're related, or they know someone who is. This comes in handy when I visit my dear friends, Bonnie and Scott, who live there, and insist...God bless 'em...on dragging me to every single function they can find to drag me to, anytime I visit. They show me off with great pride as their Best Friend from GA Who Now Lives in TN, and I cringe inwardly at the awkwardness of having my pedigree trotted out for inspection yet again, even as I smile and shake hands (or more often hug), outwardly pleased as punch to be able to add another notch to my ever-widening web of contacts that I can claim to be aquainted with.
You may wonder how a girl from the sprawling metropolis of Atlanta ever got hooked in with such a rural outpost. My dear late husband can claim this honor...it was his hometown, you see. The place that molded him into the man of strong values that I fell in love with, even though he was not a small-town man in the slightest. No...my Bill was a city man if there ever was one. But as much as he hated to admit it, he loved that little town, and was so proud to be able to show it off to me, albeit behind a manufactured scowl. He thought it would be enough to throw me off...but I knew him. And I knew how much it secretly meant to him when we moved back there for a short time just after we married in 1994. I have to say, I've never been so happy, and I think my children would agree. It was a wonderful, Mayberry-like life.
The friends we made there were lifelong..friends like everyone should have at least one of in their lifetime. We have laughed and cried together, raised kids together, worked and ate together, shared all we had together, scraped up communal money to pay a bill together, fought...and loved each other fiercely...together. When my beloved Bill died, they were there to help me scrape the pieces together and bring him home to Kinston to rest in peace. For that alone, I will always be truly grateful. But more grateful yet that I am honored to be able to call them "friend".
Because of all of that and so much more, no matter where the road leads me in the future, a piece of my heart will always live in Kinston, NC.

Day 328...why do we do it?

I have just spent a crazy angst-filled emotional roller coaster-type week....and I did it to myself. Let me explain...
When I was in 6th grade, I met a girl who would wind up being my best friend all the way through to our Senior year in high school, when we wound up drifting apart...as so many friendships do at that age. Being a girl who had goals, she moved on to more educational pastures, while I went to vocational school. And within two years, we had pretty much lost contact.
This bothered me terribly...but I was young, and easily distracted, so it didn't really sink in what exactly I had lost for several years. By then...it was too late. I tried frantically to find her...beat down every path I could, to no avail. And over the next 20 years, as the computer age evolved and the internet made All Knowledge accessable, I kept trying. But it just seemed as though she had disappeared off the planet. Eventually, I told myself that it didn't matter....she probably wouldn't want to renew the friendship, anyway. And, sadly, I learned to let it go.
My life continued...full, if not always happy. Then happy, if not always full. My children grew up and started families, I finally found the love of my life. Precious ones were lost and found, but there was always a piece of me missing.
Last week, purely by chance, I found her. On Facebook, of all places. And I immediately sat down to email her. Then, on pins and needles....I waited.
During this week-long wait, I agonized through all the layers of Hell, second guessing all the goofy random memories I put in that letter, spilling my guts, sounding needy. What if I embarrassed her? What if I was a part of her life that she had spent 20 years trying to remove herself from? What if she had no interest whatsoever in renewing our friendship?? What if she thought I was some sort of psycho-stalker?? What if.....?
What if I just took a breath for two seconds and really looked at why I needed so terribly to be re-accepted by this girl?
It's amazing how this scenario, and ones like it, are played out in peoples' lives every single day. We all want...and need...to be loved and accepted, even cherished. And we feel woefully inadequate if those needs are not met to our satisfaction. We want to pin the fault on the other person for not rising to the occasion...we want to pin it on ourselves for not being 'good' enough. Why do we do this to ourselves??
In the grand scheme of my life, would this reconciliation....or lack of it....have really have made such an impact? Could I...as impossible as it seems...actually have lived to see the sun rise one more day, if she had hit the 'delete' key, and gone back to her coffee?
By the time Thursday rolled around, I was having a serious conversation with myself, asking the deeper questions like Did I in fact, REALLY want this reunion for the RIGHT reasons, or because I needed to prove to myself that I had not been rejected? Had I actually grown out of that obsessive attitude I had as a teenager that caused me to go through school with a target on my back, feeling like a social outcast? After considerable soul-searching, I came to the conclusion that I had, indeed, grown past that need. But that I would never grow past the need to have this incredible woman in my life on some level. Because she is a part of me....there are bits of my life that 'only' she...gets. And for that reason and no other, I have always needed her....and will always need her in my life.
If the email never came, it would be ok, because at least I got the chance to tell her that. The ball was in her court now, to do with as she willed. But her decision was exactly that...hers. And if she chose to hit delete, then it would be my loss, true....but hers, ultimately. And accepting this gave me great peace.
I am very happy to report that my email arrived Thursday night...as full of tears as the one I had sent. All is well in the universe...and all is well with my soul.

Day 338...

I guess you could say this post is a milestone of sorts...it's my 100th post on this blog. Gawd, when I first started, I never thought I'd post 5, much less 100! But here I am.
So much has happened in my life since that first post! Who knew the past few years would be so eventful? Every year, my life seems to be getting more and more full. You'd think I'd be slowing down some, but noooo...and Alan's not even home yet! OMG...
I haven't posted it here, yet, but after talking about it for as long as I can remember, I finally registered for the Peachtree Road Race this year, to be run on the 4th of July in Atlanta. For those of you not familiar with this race, it's big. Really big. 55,000 people big. And if you finish all 6.2 miles, you get a T-shirt. Doesn't sound like much, I know. But for those in the know, it's a coveted treasure that you can get no other way than by putting in the hours of grueling training, sweating your a$$ off, and crossing the finish line. With 15 weeks to go before the start, I intend to do all three, and so far, I'm dead on track with my training.
In this season of Spring....the season of the rebirth of all things...it is absolutely apropos that I would seek to make myself into a new and healthier version of myself...before time slips away, and there are no more chances.
My father once wrote a very small poem that always comes to mind this time of year:


"The tender young April leaflets
September will homeward call.
The sounds of Spring are the sweetest
When heard from the hills of Fall."
(c) 1975 by Birl R. Brown, Sr.

He would know the truth of that. And I am learning....all too fast.
Sometimes, you've just got to grasp the nettle.

Day 364...a milestone.

Today is a monumental day. This time next year, my husband will finally be coming home to TN. Today, we stop counting in years, and start counting in months.
When we started this journey 4 1/2 years ago, neither of us had a clue how far we would have to come, or how hard that journey would be. But the one thing I've noticed is how much faster the time seems to go by, the closer we get to our goal.
I have no doubt that this year will fly by. And I am so thankful. But not as thankful as I will be when this nightmare is finally over.
I love you, baby. I can't wait to have you home with me, where you belong. And February 26, 2010 cannot come soon enough.

Happy Birthday, Harmony Grace!

My beautiful Harmony Grace is turning one today. What a year it's been for us all...a year of growth and development, a year of joy and pain, and a year of love....much, much love. We are so very fortunate to have this little angel with us.
Harmony, one day you may look back on this blog, if it's still archived that long, and I want you to know how very much your mom and dad love you, and how much your Nana and Poppy love you and miss you. I'm so glad that although you know us both, you will never grow up remembering that this year was full of separation, because Poppy and I couldn't stand knowing that it caused you pain. We only want you to remember how much we love and care for you, and how much we're looking forward to watching you grow into your future.
All our love to you, our baby, and only good things do we wish for you, for now...and for always.
Just a small edit: Harmony decided to give all of us a gift on her big day...she took her first steps today! Yay, Harmony!!!

It's a Boy!!

As many of you have already heard, my youngest daughter, Shanna Malii gave birth to a beautiful bouncing baby boy this morning, a little before 8am. He weighed 7lb. 3oz., was 21" long, and has a head full of blonde hair. His name is Keith Burnon Riley...Keith, after his Poppy, Alan, and Burnon being a family name on his daddy's side.
Both mom and baby are doing very well.
Welcome to the world, beautiful baby! Your Poppy and I love you very, very much, and can't wait to see you!
I'll post pics as soon as I get some.

Day 382...

Time for my monthly (?) update, I guess. And since I've got the weekend all by myself, it's the perfect time to sit down and do it.
I'm adjusting nicely to life on the Ridge, I think. My job's going well, even though I'm still a temp. They're beginning to hand me much more complex work to do, and that is very encouraging to me, since it's not the type of stuff I would think a temp would be expected to do, normally. So I'm hoping that bodes well for my future there.
I think I'm almost over cold #2...yes, that's right. I've had TWO since I've been up here. One right after the other, with one week in between. I think it was a part of me acclimating. My feet freezing all the time seems to be, too, because although it certainly hasn't warmed up any up here, my feet seem to be to some extent...at least they're not like blocks of ice anymore. Most of the time...
I'm not kidding about the weather...we've had more snow up here this past month than I've seen in Atlanta my whole life! It's beautiful, but it sure does make for anxious driving over these very steep, curvy roads that have no guardrails to keep you from sliding off into oblivion. So far, though, I've done really well getting to work, mainly because driving in snow is so completely different than driving on ice...and fortunately for me, this is actual snow. Thank God. Still...I sure will be glad to see Spring!
My in-laws have gone to Atlanta for the weekend, so I'm enjoying some alone time, which is kinda nice for a change. They're bringing my mom back with them to spend the week with us, which I'm looking forward to. I'll take her back home on Friday, on my way to spend the weekend with my hubby. This will be the first Valentine's Day we will actually get to spend the day together, because it falls on a Saturday! (Yay!) Ian and Krystal will be going down with me, so we can also celebrate Harmony's first birthday together. OMG, can you believe it's been a YEAR already! How did that happen??? I miss her so much...every time I see another baby, my arms ache to cuddle her and kiss on her.
I'm also still trying to adjust to the idea that I'm about to be a grandmother AGAIN in two weeks! Shanna is due the day after Harmony's first birthday, and I'm really bummed that I won't be able to be down there with her. But the in-laws are planning a trip down around the same time, so if it works out, I think at least they'll be there when he's born. No telling when I'll get to see him...it will probably be a while...*sigh*
I miss my kids. But I'd miss them in Atlanta, too, so this move doesn't really make any difference with that, except that I don't get to see Ian's family as much. As it turns out, though, I'll still be able to see them more than either of the girls. I really, really miss my girls.
One day, I'll have my family all together. That is my dream.