Day 283...A Tale of Adventure

Aside from Saturday being my daughter AND my future daughter-in-law, Krystal's birthday, it was also a day of adventure for me.
With the in-laws out of town for the week and funds too low in the ole' bank account to go visit either of the birthday girls, I found myself with a lonely weekend ahead and a lot of time on my hands. Of course, I didn't want to neglect my training, but it was supposed to rain heavily all weekend, according to the weather reports, and I really thought I'd be stuck inside for the duration. So when Saturday morning dawned, not bright and clear, but at least dry, I jumped at the chance to go run. And run I did....5 miles, on hills, all over town. By the time I was done, it was only 12:30 and the sun had started shining.
That was all it took to get my blood stirred up for adventure. So with no plan in mind, I headed toward Roan Mtn, thinking to tackle the other peak I haven't yet conquered. But that requires walking through heavy...and at the moment, very soggy...woods. No...the closer I got, the more it sounded like a bad idea. So I just kept driving, and found myself a few minutes later, across the NC state line at Grandfather Mtn., which is also very close to the house. I've never actually been inside the park...the Highland Games are held outside it's gates, so there's never been a need. Today seemed like the perfect day to explore the mile-high swinging bridge that is suspended between its two craggy peaks. So I paid my money and headed up.
The road up is beautiful, with lots of views of the mountains...but by the time I drove the two miles to the summit, the peaks...and the bridge...were enshrouded in a dense cloud that only covered the summit. Craziest thing I'd ever seen. No views whatsoever, just dense fog. But I'd paid my money, so I was going over that bridge. Just as well...I have a massive fear of wide open spaces, and had I been able to see the abyss I was crossing over, I'd probably have fainted and fallen off, anyway.
The other side of the bridge is all massive rock formations that you have to climb over to get to the far edge of the peak. I picked a spot on a massive boulder to sit down, and watched the wind currents move wisps of the cloud around us, drawing it down the mountain. Occasionally, it would clear enough to be able to see the far edge of the cloud, and you could see that beyond it, the valley was clear as a bell. While I was up there, I happened to look down at my feet at one point, and noticed that I was standing over a geological survey pin that had been embedded in the rock at the peak of the summit. I thought it was cool, so I took a pic.
After about 20 minutes, the cloud got a lot thicker, so I decided it was time to go. Good thing...I barely made it back to the car before it started raining. It did stop long enough on the way down for me to make a stop at the wildlife museum and the habitats they have there, where they house bears, cougars, deer, river otters and eagles. It was great to be so close up to them....especially the bears. Made me feel a LOT better to see that they were about half the size my imagination had envisioned them as being. Even so...I don't want to meet one sans fence any time soon.
Leaving the park, I hit the Blue Ridge Parkway and headed north, not really having any sort of destination in mind. By this time, the rain had turned into a real downpour and it had dampened my spirits enough to pull over at an overlook that any other time would have been breathtaking, and throw a real pity party for myself for about 10 minutes. All alone...in the pouring rain....nobody I know for hundreds of miles...no friends...no family...no birthday girls...no hubby. Waaahhhh!!!
Rain or no rain, ten minutes of that crap was enough. I got back on the road.
Not long after that, I ran out of the rain and found myself in Boone,NC, where I stopped for coffee and grabbed my map to regroup and form a plan. I decided to head north toward Mountain City,TN, then cut across to the last little wide spot in the road in the far northeast corner of the state, known as Laurel Bloomery...if you want to look it up on a map. From there, I could head up to Damascus, VA, then back down into TN to Backbone Rock...a rock formation that boasts the 'shortest tunnel in the world'. I'll let you judge for yourself.
The ride there was fabulous, and I do love the curvy mountain roads this time of year, when the woods are so lush with fresh green foilage...it just speaks peace to my soul, and despite my pity party of just an hour or so before, I relished the time alone with my thoughts to realign myself internally, as I had been doing externally that morning during my run.
Backbone Rock is set up as a recreational area, meaning that there are hiking trails across the top of it, and a spur that connects it to the Appalachian Trail, which winds all over the place up here. It also has a falls that you can hike up to, and I decided to tackle that, first. So across the road I went, and started climbing. The hiking trails are very well marked, so it wasn't hard to find, but there are a lot of steep areas and sharp drop offs where you really have to watch your step. In some places, stone steps have been laid into the trail to help you navigate the steep areas, which lead to an air of ancientness once you've made your way to the grotto where the falls are. A beautiful area, with dense foliage all around, much of it is covered in rhododendron, which is native to the area and grows in abundance. Crossing over the top of the falls, you descend yet another stone stair to the bottom, where you can only stare in awe. Believe me when I tell you the pic does it no justice whatsoever.
I really hated to leave the falls, but the rock was calling, and I really wanted to climb to the top, if I could, so I headed back to the road, and took a pic of the tunnel in the rock. The tunnel was originally carved to make way for the railroad, and had to fit the train's dimensions...but the smokestack was too high, so the extra little dip in the top is where they chiseled out extra for the smokestack to fit through. The rock itself is only about 10 feet wide, which is why they say it's the shortest tunnel in the world, and it's probably about 30 to 40 feet high...quite a drop.
Access to the top comes via more stone stairs embedded in the hillside, and they are truly works of art from a bygone era...probably built during the Great Depression, unless I miss my guess. They do nothing to detract from the surrounding area...in fact, they only work to enhance it.
Climbing to the top is an adventure and it's hard work, because the stairs are steep, for all that they are sturdy. But you are traversing a rock wall, meaning switchback city. Lots and lots of stairs...not for the out-of-shape. Thank God for all the training I've been doing. I actually fared fairly well, considering.
Once at the top of the stairs, you are standing...literally...on top of a wall. And it's a long way down, with no guardrails. Surprisingly, my vertigo never kicked in up there...only thing I can think of is that there were trees surrounding me...hence, no wide open spaces to speak of. Thank God.
I walked all the way out to the end of the rock, where Beaverdam Creek winds around it, and sat for a while, listening to the birdsong and the babble of the creek, and the quiet...and just soaked it all in, thinking how much Alan is gonna love this place. All too soon, it was time to go...again.
So I headed south, along the road that has come to be known in these parts as the Twisted Snake. It is touted as being three miles long and having 487 curves. I think that might be stretching it juuuust a wee bit, but it IS one of the curviest, twistiest bits of road I've ever had the pleasure...and I do mean pleasure...of driving on. If you love driving, this is the road for you. Sheer mountain on one side of the road, nothing but air and treetops on the other. My mother in law won't go near it.
My final spur-of-the-moment stop of the day came at a spot known locally as the 'Blue Hole'. It's really another little grotto back down in a wooded area in the mountains, with a cascading waterfall nestled in the middle of it. And it is gorgeous. I've taken lots of pics of it, but you only get little bits of it that way, and to truly be able to appreciate this place, one must get it all at once...and that means in person.
More steep paths, much of it without benefit of stairs to help, but the steepest part that leads to the lower falls and the 'hole' itself does have a very steep set of wooden stairs down to it.
The creek chutes through the rocks, forming a very concentrated stream, which flows over into a pool, and then another pool, before it crashes down farther over yet more rocks, and on into the forest. The lower of these two pics is the lower of these pools, and you can see by the color of the water in the pool how deep the hole must be in this natural swimming pool formed in the rock. The boulders in this place are monstrous. And there is an air of mystery that hangs about the place like no other I've ever known. To say it is magical is an understatement. There are no words.
I probably sat on a huge boulder in front of these falls for another 20 minutes or so, and would have stayed longer, but I was losing light, and needed to get back to the car before dark. So I left, with the promise to myself to come back soon...and often.
So there it is...my 3 state adventure. All in all, it took me about 8 hours to make the full circuit. I was not hurried, nor did I rush. I took my time, and savored all that nature was kind enough to give. And I relished the fact that after so many years of sucking smog, I am blessed to live in such a paradise. I can't wait to share this all with you guys...and with Alan.
...he's gonna love it here.

Day 285...

Today is a very special day. Twenty-five years ago today, I gave birth to my beautiful oldest daughter, Jessica. It seems like yesterday, and at the same time, it was another lifetime ago. Maybe several lifetimes. So much has happened since then....so much we've had to survive. The day she was born, I remember the nurse bringing her into the room and handing her to me. As I held her, I remember thinking, "What gives me the right to Name this child...to determine what she will be called for the rest of her life? What if that is not who she is?"
Turns out her name was about the only thing I got right, because she resembles nothing of the person I visualized she'd be when I looked down at that tiny baby laying in my arms back then. She did not turn out to be tall, or dark, or lithe. She does not have a fabulous job in a big city. She's not especially well-traveled. She didn't go to college (yet), or become a lawyer or a doctor. No, she most certainly did not turn out like I thought...or even hoped.
But she is so much better that I ever could have dreamed.
Bright and beautiful, with a sparkling personality and a wicked sense of humor, she is awesomely talented, and has an incredibly poetic soul. Deeply spiritual, but unbelievably grounded....and with insight well beyond her years, she has at times been my teacher, my therapist, and my mentor...but always my best friend. She has become an incredible mother who is absolutely devoted to her family. Despite everything I would have condemned her to, she has grown up...and far exceeded my greatest hopes.
Happy Birthday, Jes. I love you.

Day 286...

So, I'm sitting here, thinking about this new creation I've designed, staring at my new blog page in all its glory, and I wonder....why does this seem so important to me? Seems like it's taken on a life of its own. Of course, I've always been a communicator...I'm a Gemini, for pete's sake. If I can't talk, I explode. That's the creed I live by. Ask anyone who's been around me in person for even five minutes, and they will vehemently agree...usually accompanied by a roll of the eyes.
But as much as I love to talk and write, even back 3 or 4 years ago, I wasn't as prolific with my writing as I am now. These days, I seem to constantly be on a keyboard, emailing, texting, posting, blogging. In fact, back then I was doing good to check my email. So why the change?
Part of it, I think, has to do with age, and time. In the past 6 years, I've lost two of the most important and influential people in my life...first my husband, Bill, and then my father. Losses like that tend to make one introspective, to say the least. On top of that, my children have all flown the coop, leaving me battling empty nest syndrome with a vengeance...compounded by the fact that they all live in different states, and none of them are in mine.
Then there's Alan. Always.
My knight in shining armor who swept me off my feet when I least expected it. The wind beneath my wings. The other half of my soul. Everything begins and ends with him.
Being seven hours and hundreds of miles away with incredibly limited means of communication is wearing thin, to say the least. And we've been doing this since the beginning. In August, we'll be celebrating our third anniversary, and yet...we're still apart.
Now, I've moved to TN, where I'm doing my best to establish new roots into the bedrock of these healing mountains for both of us. But it's harder than it seems...I know noone here other than my in-laws. Having always been surrounded with a surplus of family and friends, I now find myself at times feeling as adrift as an empty boat on a lonely sea. I cannot share my life right now...that need must be shelved until February. But I can share my heart with those who will listen...and as a matter of self-preservation, I find myself doing this more and more.
Thank God for Outlander....a little paperback book I picked up years ago. Who knew what roads it would eventually lead me down? The support of its fans has garnered me lifelong friends, and a support group beyond parallel. My friends have proven to be my salvation, after all. And if, by blogging, I manage to stave off the ever-impending explosion...so much the better, aye?

A new beginning...

Ok, I confess...
I am a closet blogger. I started a couple of years ago on myspace, blogging my thoughts, mostly as a means of getting things off my chest, never thinking that someone might actually read the things. And I certainly didn't think I'd ever keep it up! Who knew that I'd ever hit 100 posts? And yet...I have.

Now, I seem to be bending to peer pressure, as it seems to be the current trend to use blogspot. I confess...it's hard to blog, knowing one must be a member of myspace...and a friend, no less...in order to read it...kinda defeats the purpose, what? So...here I am. Better late than never, I guess.

*sigh*

I've managed to keep up my other blog....may this one fare as well. Long live the blog.

Day 288....my last post.

Since I can't seem to get myspace to address my concerns about fixing my blog background, I have decided to bow to peer pressure and start blogging in a more public format.

You can find my new blog here:

http://phoenixpromise.blogspot.com/

Since I really don't want to have to blog in two places, I have decided that this will be my last post on this blog.

Kinda sad, really...in a way. I've gone through a lot on this blog. And it has helped more than I ever thought it would way back when I started it on a whim to have a place where I could go and collect my thoughts....sometimes random, and sometimes otherwise.

I don't know how many actually follow this blog...probably not many. But if you do, and you're interested, I'd be happy to have you follow me to the new place. If not, I'll just say thanks for your interest in following along the past few years. But more than that...if you're reading this, you're more than a reader to me. You're a treasured friend, and that friendship has helped more than any blog ever could.

Love to you all...

Jill

Day 316...who sez you can't go home again?

This past weekend, I headed to my home away from home...a/k/a Kinston, NC. It's a little town, fairly unremarkable, really, in the eastern part of the state, about halfway between Raleigh and the coast. Unremarkable, that is, unless you've ever lived there.
I have.
This place gets under your skin like no place I've ever been, much less lived. And that, my friends, is saying a lot. It's coastal flat land, mostly sandy farmland, which spawn rich crops of corn and soybeans, and tobacco. Always tobacco. It IS North Carolina, after all. Home of the Tarheels, from whence came the name.
Aside from the beauty of the place, the climate is warm and mild, with crystal blue skies and balmy breezes that drift in from the ocean to warm your heart. Sometimes, you can even see a seagull or two floating on the currents, or plucking seeds from someone's field, or even snatching a quick drink from the birdbath in your back yard. Yes...it's that close to the ocean.
But by and large, the best part of the town is the people who call it home. If you know one person in this town, you know everyone. Believe me, I know. Either they're related, or they know someone who is. This comes in handy when I visit my dear friends, Bonnie and Scott, who live there, and insist...God bless 'em...on dragging me to every single function they can find to drag me to, anytime I visit. They show me off with great pride as their Best Friend from GA Who Now Lives in TN, and I cringe inwardly at the awkwardness of having my pedigree trotted out for inspection yet again, even as I smile and shake hands (or more often hug), outwardly pleased as punch to be able to add another notch to my ever-widening web of contacts that I can claim to be aquainted with.
You may wonder how a girl from the sprawling metropolis of Atlanta ever got hooked in with such a rural outpost. My dear late husband can claim this honor...it was his hometown, you see. The place that molded him into the man of strong values that I fell in love with, even though he was not a small-town man in the slightest. No...my Bill was a city man if there ever was one. But as much as he hated to admit it, he loved that little town, and was so proud to be able to show it off to me, albeit behind a manufactured scowl. He thought it would be enough to throw me off...but I knew him. And I knew how much it secretly meant to him when we moved back there for a short time just after we married in 1994. I have to say, I've never been so happy, and I think my children would agree. It was a wonderful, Mayberry-like life.
The friends we made there were lifelong..friends like everyone should have at least one of in their lifetime. We have laughed and cried together, raised kids together, worked and ate together, shared all we had together, scraped up communal money to pay a bill together, fought...and loved each other fiercely...together. When my beloved Bill died, they were there to help me scrape the pieces together and bring him home to Kinston to rest in peace. For that alone, I will always be truly grateful. But more grateful yet that I am honored to be able to call them "friend".
Because of all of that and so much more, no matter where the road leads me in the future, a piece of my heart will always live in Kinston, NC.

Day 328...why do we do it?

I have just spent a crazy angst-filled emotional roller coaster-type week....and I did it to myself. Let me explain...
When I was in 6th grade, I met a girl who would wind up being my best friend all the way through to our Senior year in high school, when we wound up drifting apart...as so many friendships do at that age. Being a girl who had goals, she moved on to more educational pastures, while I went to vocational school. And within two years, we had pretty much lost contact.
This bothered me terribly...but I was young, and easily distracted, so it didn't really sink in what exactly I had lost for several years. By then...it was too late. I tried frantically to find her...beat down every path I could, to no avail. And over the next 20 years, as the computer age evolved and the internet made All Knowledge accessable, I kept trying. But it just seemed as though she had disappeared off the planet. Eventually, I told myself that it didn't matter....she probably wouldn't want to renew the friendship, anyway. And, sadly, I learned to let it go.
My life continued...full, if not always happy. Then happy, if not always full. My children grew up and started families, I finally found the love of my life. Precious ones were lost and found, but there was always a piece of me missing.
Last week, purely by chance, I found her. On Facebook, of all places. And I immediately sat down to email her. Then, on pins and needles....I waited.
During this week-long wait, I agonized through all the layers of Hell, second guessing all the goofy random memories I put in that letter, spilling my guts, sounding needy. What if I embarrassed her? What if I was a part of her life that she had spent 20 years trying to remove herself from? What if she had no interest whatsoever in renewing our friendship?? What if she thought I was some sort of psycho-stalker?? What if.....?
What if I just took a breath for two seconds and really looked at why I needed so terribly to be re-accepted by this girl?
It's amazing how this scenario, and ones like it, are played out in peoples' lives every single day. We all want...and need...to be loved and accepted, even cherished. And we feel woefully inadequate if those needs are not met to our satisfaction. We want to pin the fault on the other person for not rising to the occasion...we want to pin it on ourselves for not being 'good' enough. Why do we do this to ourselves??
In the grand scheme of my life, would this reconciliation....or lack of it....have really have made such an impact? Could I...as impossible as it seems...actually have lived to see the sun rise one more day, if she had hit the 'delete' key, and gone back to her coffee?
By the time Thursday rolled around, I was having a serious conversation with myself, asking the deeper questions like Did I in fact, REALLY want this reunion for the RIGHT reasons, or because I needed to prove to myself that I had not been rejected? Had I actually grown out of that obsessive attitude I had as a teenager that caused me to go through school with a target on my back, feeling like a social outcast? After considerable soul-searching, I came to the conclusion that I had, indeed, grown past that need. But that I would never grow past the need to have this incredible woman in my life on some level. Because she is a part of me....there are bits of my life that 'only' she...gets. And for that reason and no other, I have always needed her....and will always need her in my life.
If the email never came, it would be ok, because at least I got the chance to tell her that. The ball was in her court now, to do with as she willed. But her decision was exactly that...hers. And if she chose to hit delete, then it would be my loss, true....but hers, ultimately. And accepting this gave me great peace.
I am very happy to report that my email arrived Thursday night...as full of tears as the one I had sent. All is well in the universe...and all is well with my soul.