Day 328...why do we do it?

I have just spent a crazy angst-filled emotional roller coaster-type week....and I did it to myself. Let me explain...
When I was in 6th grade, I met a girl who would wind up being my best friend all the way through to our Senior year in high school, when we wound up drifting apart...as so many friendships do at that age. Being a girl who had goals, she moved on to more educational pastures, while I went to vocational school. And within two years, we had pretty much lost contact.
This bothered me terribly...but I was young, and easily distracted, so it didn't really sink in what exactly I had lost for several years. By then...it was too late. I tried frantically to find her...beat down every path I could, to no avail. And over the next 20 years, as the computer age evolved and the internet made All Knowledge accessable, I kept trying. But it just seemed as though she had disappeared off the planet. Eventually, I told myself that it didn't matter....she probably wouldn't want to renew the friendship, anyway. And, sadly, I learned to let it go.
My life continued...full, if not always happy. Then happy, if not always full. My children grew up and started families, I finally found the love of my life. Precious ones were lost and found, but there was always a piece of me missing.
Last week, purely by chance, I found her. On Facebook, of all places. And I immediately sat down to email her. Then, on pins and needles....I waited.
During this week-long wait, I agonized through all the layers of Hell, second guessing all the goofy random memories I put in that letter, spilling my guts, sounding needy. What if I embarrassed her? What if I was a part of her life that she had spent 20 years trying to remove herself from? What if she had no interest whatsoever in renewing our friendship?? What if she thought I was some sort of psycho-stalker?? What if.....?
What if I just took a breath for two seconds and really looked at why I needed so terribly to be re-accepted by this girl?
It's amazing how this scenario, and ones like it, are played out in peoples' lives every single day. We all want...and need...to be loved and accepted, even cherished. And we feel woefully inadequate if those needs are not met to our satisfaction. We want to pin the fault on the other person for not rising to the occasion...we want to pin it on ourselves for not being 'good' enough. Why do we do this to ourselves??
In the grand scheme of my life, would this reconciliation....or lack of it....have really have made such an impact? Could I...as impossible as it seems...actually have lived to see the sun rise one more day, if she had hit the 'delete' key, and gone back to her coffee?
By the time Thursday rolled around, I was having a serious conversation with myself, asking the deeper questions like Did I in fact, REALLY want this reunion for the RIGHT reasons, or because I needed to prove to myself that I had not been rejected? Had I actually grown out of that obsessive attitude I had as a teenager that caused me to go through school with a target on my back, feeling like a social outcast? After considerable soul-searching, I came to the conclusion that I had, indeed, grown past that need. But that I would never grow past the need to have this incredible woman in my life on some level. Because she is a part of me....there are bits of my life that 'only' she...gets. And for that reason and no other, I have always needed her....and will always need her in my life.
If the email never came, it would be ok, because at least I got the chance to tell her that. The ball was in her court now, to do with as she willed. But her decision was exactly that...hers. And if she chose to hit delete, then it would be my loss, true....but hers, ultimately. And accepting this gave me great peace.
I am very happy to report that my email arrived Thursday night...as full of tears as the one I had sent. All is well in the universe...and all is well with my soul.