Day 49...Fear Factor

Ok, now I do know that I am prone to panicking, most of the time about nothing....I do know that. So nobody needs to remind me.

HOWEVER....

I can't help being in a state of panic right now because two of the people I love most in this world are panicking, and I am helpless to do anything about it. I feel like I am responsible in a way because I encouraged hope to form where there was none before, and now that hope may be destroyed. I may have unintentionally caused way more damage ( as if it were possible at this stage) than there would have been if I had just kept my damn mouth SHUT. I am running against a massive time constraint, I have things I HAVE to get done YESTERDAY if things have any hope of coming together in the end, and yet, the ability to get those things done is not in my hands. If the people involved can't or don't do anything to help themselves, then I can do nothing. Nothing. NOTHING. If they would just talk to me then maybe I could help to fix it. I know everybody is scared to death, that's natural, for God's sake. But in the end, there is nothing to be scared of, except being paralyzed by that fear. Roller coasters are scary, too, but worth every second of that interminable line you have to wait in to get there. And yes, there is that moment of pure helplessness that you feel and the desperate need to turn back that is experienced at the second the cars leave the platform. But, oh God, what a rush! And then you can't wait to do it all over again, this time without the fear, just pure exhilaration and joy. This is what's happening here...the fear of no turning back. But that fear is ONLY an illusion. Unlike a roller coaster, you can always pull the plug at any stage. The only thing to fear, is fear.

God, I hate to see a grown man cry. I'll do anything I have to to keep that from happening. Please pray for my family, that they will realize that God has not given them a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of a sound mind.

Day 51...

Well, this weekend I finally figured out what had me in such a funk all last week. My wonderful husband is stressing on me so bad right now, I think he's on the verge of a nervous breakdown! He is so worried that something is going to go wrong in November and someone is going to come to him and say that an I didn't get dotted, or a T didn't get crossed, that he's making us both miserable in the process. If we get to the last minute and that happens, he may be spending some time alone for quite awhile, and not by choice...if you know what I mean. He can take a changing of the mind, but after all they've been through, and all this time, if somebody comes to him and says "it can't happen because of beaurocratic red tape" he's gonna go ballistic. It won't be pretty. And I don't want to see it.

In the meantime, I have to sit there and watch him suffer for the next 7 weeks, knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can do to make it better. Please pray for him, and for the situation, that after all this time, the most important event in his life will go smoothly for everyone concerned. We need prayer for this...really. It's bad now, and it's only getting worse every week. I don't know what he's gonna be like 7 weeks from now, but (and I can't believe I'm saying this...you'll just have to look past the obvious) I'm not looking forward to seeing him Sunday. I'm just so worried about him!

55 Days To Go...

Another Friday has rolled around. Another gut-busting weekend is beginning. Seems like all I do...ever...is work. No down time. Ever.

Don't get me wrong...I'm ecstatic to be able to make the extra bucks, and I most definately need it...I couldn't make ends meet without it, so it's really a blessing from God. And I don't...BELIEVE ME...want to sound ungrateful, because I am PROFOUNDLY grateful. I'm just...tired. To the bone tired. And I see no immediate end in sight. What I wouldn't give to sell this freaking house.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

I heard from my youngest a couple of days ago. All is well, (as well as ever, anyway) except that she's been very sick for the last week or so. Sweetheart, if you read this, Get Well Soon!

And I am feeling a bit better every day, even with the cloudy skies playing fast and loose with my SAD (seasonal affective disorder...look it up). But I can't seem to shake this feeling of gloominess that has crept up out of nowhere this week and is plaguing me to no end. It is so foreign to my 'naturally sunny disposition' that I don't know how to deal with it. Everybody keeps asking me what is wrong...either they think I'm upset about something, or they think I'm pissed. I don't know what to tell them....hell, I don't know myself what's wrong. Maybe I'm just tired.

Regardless, my weekend is...as usual...so damn loaded down, I'll be lucky to see the light of day, overcast or otherwise. The bright spot is seeing my hubby on Sunday. I'm going down with my in-laws to spend the day, and I'm looking so forward to that and to seeing them, too, that it will almost make up for all the house-cleaning, dog-sitting, friend-moving, and daughter-transporting-to-another-state that I'll be doing between now and then. And let's not forget the pile of laundry that's waiting at home, and the piles of old stuff I'm sorting through to put in storage that have temporarily taken up residence (and taken over all the space) in my room. Sometime between now and Monday morning, I have to take care of all that, too.

*sigh*

Pray for me, will ya? Have a great weekend.

Day 58...

I am in a major funk and can't seem to pull myself out of it. I don't know what it's being caused by. I've thought about it for the past two days and just can't seem to put my finger on it. I know there are probably elements of a lot of different factors contributing to it, but the fact is, I almost never get like this, and when I do, the reason is usually crystal-clear. But this time, I dunno...

Is it kid-related? Possibly...My oldest is still in limbo, my son still doesn't know what the baby is because it was kicking so much on the ultrasound, and my youngest hasn't called me in about 2 weeks, so maybe.

Is it money-related? Probably...there never, ever seems to be enough to go around, and no matter how much I get, it's gone before I can even close my fingers around it, so yeah, probably.

Is it Tex-related? Most likely...Where do I even start? Let's just say our patience has worn a thin patch in the fabric of our situation, and I'm doing my best to darn the hole. I keep trying to look on the bright side, but it's just really hard to do sometimes. The one sunny spot we have right now is Thanksgiving, and ...I don't know. I guess I just need to leave it alone for now.

Who the hell knows? Some days it just doesn't pay to get up.

Day 65...The Agony and The Ecstasy...

I got a phone call yesterday from my realtor to let me know to be expecting an offer on my house. OMG, I just about went through the ROOF I was so excited, and all I wanted to do was call Tex...which I can't do anymore. But since I hadn't gotten the actual offer, I bit my tongue and didn't tell anyone so I could wait and tell them about the offer, too.

Well, when I hadn't heard anything by this afternoon, I decided to call and find out what was going on. That's when I found out the lady that was going to submit the offer had decided not to move after all. So...no contract.

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

*heavy sigh*

I guess it's back to square one.

69 Days To Go....BIG Scoop, People....Listen UP!!

OK, I can't stand it any more!!! I have to tell you what my big news is.

I'm going to be a grandmother! Ian and his girlfriend, Krystal are expecting. The due date is...February 29th. Can you believe it? A leap-year baby! Yeah, yeah, I know the chances are slim to none that the baby will actually be born on that day, BUT...it IS Ian's baby, so.....

Krystal's next ultrasound is due to be done on September 18th, and we should find out the sex of the baby then. I'll keep you all posted. And for those of you who may ask me if I'm worried, Yes, there's a part of me that is, but I also know that they'll do just fine, and if they have trouble, well, that's what they've got us for, huh? They can always let her Nana and Poppy take her for a breather...or Great-Grandma (who doesn't know yet, by the way. She's supposed to find out this weekend when she gets back in town)...or Auntie Jes, or Auntie Malii....shall I go on? But I CALL FIRST DIBS AND YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST! (and yes, by the way, we think it's a girl...)